I have arrived

Assumptions are inevitable, I suppose. I was humbled tonight by realizing a few things that I did not/could not understand before.

I went out to dinner with my mother, and I was agitated and anxious. I had not spoken to her in a long time and hadn't seen her in over a year.

As I got in the car with Nick, I started bawling. We were going over to where she was staying and I wanted to REALLY talk to her, in ways that I never had. I had to talk to her, and I wanted her to listen. My heart finally broke enough to be open to what she had to say, and I think hers opened as well.

Tonight was the first night I have ever been able to put myself in her shoes and feel what she has felt without feeling defensive and resulting to a selfish survival mode. Tonight, I came to her with love and honesty instead of bitterness and resentment. Tonight, I cried so much that my cheeks are starting to bleed.

I have said horrible things about my mother, and I truly felt them, believed them, saw them, and meant them. I have distanced myself from her for good reasons, but the truth behind this equation is very simple.

No one in my family knew how to deal with the obstacles set before them, so we all dealt with them in the best way we could. We were not stable enough to even know ourselves; how could we have known each other? My mother loves me, my father loves me, my brother loves me, and I love them.

It has been very hard, but with the help of The Great Mystery, Goddess, God, Eanairohm, whatever that mystical, magical force is that devised this incredible world, I have arrived at the other side.

I was given Nick. He found every piece of me that was scattered and broken and patiently put me back together. He reassured me, listened to me, loved me, understood me, and never judged me. Through him, I have found myself. Through him, I have been stable enough to stop surviving and start LIVING and let go of everything.

I have been raped. I have been beaten. I have seen my loved ones die in horrible ways. I have been to four mental hospitals. I have slit my wrists, starved myself, shaved my head, and laid in bed for months at a time.

And you know what? It was all awful, but more importantly, it's all over.

And I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't come through. I am not defined by my experiences. I would venture to say that I am not defined by anything.

I just am, but for what it's worth, I am happy.