Why should God be perfect?

I am a sleepy god.
I rest when I should be alert
the universe, you see,
is so comfortable to me
that I figure one nap couldn't hurt...

I am a lonely God
I am often misunderstood
I'm not perfect, you see
the way you want me to be
and I'm sure that you would change it if you could

Oh, weary little child, come to me, come to me.
I could really use some company.
Let's go out where the grass is green.
You can tell me about the world that you've seen.

I don't think you would judge me if you knew
the fact that I have never judged you.
I love your freckled face
and that mole that's out of place
and all the clumsy things you like to do.

I am a silly god.
I make up things because I like to laugh.
I'm sorry if it's wrong,
but I wish you'd play along
instead of getting caught up on the aftermath.

I am a gentle god.
I fail, at times, although I try my best.
I don't want to hurt you,
but being God is hard to do,
when I am silly, lonely, and I need some rest.

Oh, weary little child, come to me, come to me.
I could really use some company.
Let's go out where the grass is green.
You can tell me about the world that you've seen.

I don't think you would judge me if you knew
the fact that I have never judged you.
and When you go to bed,
I count the hairs upon your head
and I praise them, every one, before I'm through.

I have arrived

Assumptions are inevitable, I suppose. I was humbled tonight by realizing a few things that I did not/could not understand before.

I went out to dinner with my mother, and I was agitated and anxious. I had not spoken to her in a long time and hadn't seen her in over a year.

As I got in the car with Nick, I started bawling. We were going over to where she was staying and I wanted to REALLY talk to her, in ways that I never had. I had to talk to her, and I wanted her to listen. My heart finally broke enough to be open to what she had to say, and I think hers opened as well.

Tonight was the first night I have ever been able to put myself in her shoes and feel what she has felt without feeling defensive and resulting to a selfish survival mode. Tonight, I came to her with love and honesty instead of bitterness and resentment. Tonight, I cried so much that my cheeks are starting to bleed.

I have said horrible things about my mother, and I truly felt them, believed them, saw them, and meant them. I have distanced myself from her for good reasons, but the truth behind this equation is very simple.

No one in my family knew how to deal with the obstacles set before them, so we all dealt with them in the best way we could. We were not stable enough to even know ourselves; how could we have known each other? My mother loves me, my father loves me, my brother loves me, and I love them.

It has been very hard, but with the help of The Great Mystery, Goddess, God, Eanairohm, whatever that mystical, magical force is that devised this incredible world, I have arrived at the other side.

I was given Nick. He found every piece of me that was scattered and broken and patiently put me back together. He reassured me, listened to me, loved me, understood me, and never judged me. Through him, I have found myself. Through him, I have been stable enough to stop surviving and start LIVING and let go of everything.

I have been raped. I have been beaten. I have seen my loved ones die in horrible ways. I have been to four mental hospitals. I have slit my wrists, starved myself, shaved my head, and laid in bed for months at a time.

And you know what? It was all awful, but more importantly, it's all over.

And I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't come through. I am not defined by my experiences. I would venture to say that I am not defined by anything.

I just am, but for what it's worth, I am happy.

Doting mother

I just have to share some photographs of my cats. Loki is a year and a half old, and Pan is two and a half. Pan is very elegant. He is warm and sweet, but aloof most of the time. When he is loving, I have never seen an animal so loving. He gets love drunk and trips over himself and wraps his arms around my neck and snuggles my face. Typically, he gives his love in the early morning and no other time. When he is done, he's done. He loves containers of any kind; plastic bags, boxes, laundry baskets, suitcases, you name it. He jumps in them and will not get out. He loves children and is extremely laid back. (You can grab his hind-legs and he won't even budge.) He just flops over when he's picked up and he loves kisses, especially on his tummy. He is definitely a mommy's boy and shows his favoritism shamelessly.

Loki is the baby and boy does he know it! He is the cutest cat I have ever seen. He lays with his paws curled up and he smiles when he's happy. Sometimes I think he does things deliberately to be cute. He is very, very soft and very snuggly. We think he has bengal in him because he is spotted all over (even on his tummy) and he always tips his water bowl over. He is particular about who he likes and who he doesn't, and he doesn't show love to just anyone. He makes little raccoon noises and hasn't quite figured out how to meow. In the mornings, he prances up and down the hallway to hear his voice echo and he goes, "Ow. Ow. Mmrrrrrow. Ow." He gives kisses.

My beautiful Pan

My precious Loki

Loki is always so happy with his daddy

My little boys.

New year

The new year is so symbolic and exciting. I have been changing rapidly, and in a good way. I know it's good, because I am happier. How could I not be happy when I am so incredibly blessed?

Nick loves me in the most soulful way. I am brought to tears whenever I think about it. He is in touch with his animal self, whether he realizes it or not, and he looks at me with animal eyes; infinitely spiritual, tender, loving, loyal, and warm. He looks at me with pure love, never with disgust or hatred or even anger. He never disrespects me. He would never harm me. He touches me as if I am the most delicate being in all of the universe, but he loves me because of my strength.

I am so very loved by so many wonderful people. I wish I had more time and energy to get to know and love more people in this world, because there are so many incredible people to love. Perspective is the most important thing in life, and learning how to have a good attitude has helped me with a lot of things, especially with accepting myself. I receive so much praise and affection that I cannot help but soak it in and glow because of it! Of course, I receive plenty of criticism as well, but if it is false and mean then it seems to be deflected and if it is honest then it soaks in with the praise and affection and I shine all the brighter for seeing my flaws and trying my best to correct them. I am proud to shine now. I am unusual, but I think that's okay.

I feel that I must be on the right track because life is so much fun for me now. My depression has been under control for a year now and I feel like Audrey for the first time in my memory. Things excite me again, and I don't feel guilty anymore. Every now and then I feel the same dark pangs and my memories make me shudder, but they are moments, not months or years. I struggle the way most people struggle, I think; it's not debilitating anymore. To wake up in the morning and feel happy and alert is amazing.

Growing up is very hard, and I have a lot to learn.. But I am learning, and I am changing all of the time.