Spiritual exhaustion

The past four months have been trying. I hadn't been severely depressed for nearly a year, but around the end of July my depression came back with a vengeance. What's troubling is the fact that I immediately sought help, but the help isn't helping like it used to. I've seen my psychologist and psychiatrist several times in the past few months (3 for psychiatrist, 4 for psychologist) and I'm still treading water. School is always so hard, not because of the course work, but because of everything else. I'm going to do this, though. I know I can do it, and I know that things will be easier once I'm finished with my degree. (I'm close!) I'm not sure what's happening. I've been experiencing dreadful nightmares and hallucinations -- more vivid than I've ever seen. They frighten me so much, and I know that I'm not schizophrenic or truly mad because I recognize them a hallucinations. I think they're dirty tricks that my mind is playing on me to make me feel weak, frightened, and powerless. I'm weary of reliving the same trauma so often. It's become more of an annoyance than anything. Last night, I felt like a used up tube of toothpaste. I started feeling a bit faint and dizzy and because of my past health problems, it sparked a few hours of complete misery and helplessness. I cried softly for a long time, which can sometimes be more draining than crying hard. Something about crying hard really gets rid of an ugly feeling, but crying softly over hours seems to intensify it. I feel like such a failure and I'm having the hardest time getting my footing, try as I might. I am trying. I know I am trying.

I feel so angry as I delve into what other people have done to me intentionally through manipulation. It's so hard for me to comprehend the levels of manipulation that I've experienced because I am not at all inclined to manipulate in that regard. I think my biggest manipulation is of myself. I convince myself of all sorts of things for the sole purpose of breaking my own spirit. Now, how am I ever going to get ahead if I keep doing these things to myself? Other people have mistreated me temporarily, but I prolong the agony. I take the pain they caused me and I stretch it out over years and internalize their behavior so that I can feel hateful and unwell. I don't understand why part of me feels such a need to be punished while the other part of me knows it's complete nonsense.

Part of me just feels like a pile of dust; not useful dust like fairy dust or fertilizer, just plain, dirty dust. At the slightest breeze, I scatter everywhere and then have to attempt to reassemble myself just in time for it to happen again.

I keep throwing up at school because of my anxiety and I'm SO SICK of it. Everyone keeps asking if I have a stomach bug and I can tell they're very concerned about me because I nearly threw up in class the other day. I think it's so sweet of them, and I wish it were a stomach bug. It's more like a soul bug. I feel like there is a fog around my very heart, and while I appreciate all of the gifts of my life, I'm so angry at myself for getting in my own way of enjoying it. I want to believe in something. I think it would help me, but then again, it would probably make no difference. I think I want to believe in myself. I can't have faith outside of myself until I have faith in myself. Other people have faith in me. I just can't give up, no matter how close I come to utter failure. I want to be myself. I can feel her, I know who she is, and she is magnificent... but she's just underneath all of this sadness and confusion.

I talked to my dad on the phone for 2 whole hours last night. We've never spoken for that long on the phone! He was so incredibly sweet to me. He understands completely what I'm going through because he has the exact same problems. It is such a blessing to know that my father loves me and I am so happy that he finally figured out how to express it. I love him very much and I feel nothing but happiness when I see him now.

I've got to grab on to happiness wherever I find it. Of course, Nick helps me a lot, and my wonderful friends help me. They pull me out of the depths pretty quickly. And my CATS!!!! I love them so very, very, very much!!!! My sweet, wonderful boys. Pan has been craving more kisses recently and I am happy for that. He likes it when I pick him up and smush my face into his and kiss him. He closes his eyes so happily and just goes limp. My precious Pan. He's so moody and mysterious and I love him for that... and Loki is so sweet and simple and I love him for that. Loki just purrs all the time. He's just so happy to exist, and he loves to lick my face, and I let him even though it hurts because he is so dang cute about it. He'll crawl up and lick me right on the mouth. Haha. Precious, precious babies.

Something tells me that one day, if I am fortunate enough to become a mother, much of this ego-driven unhappiness will fade. When I am around children and animals, my soul wakes up and I feel this intense illumination from my very being. When I see the truth and understanding in their eyes, it reminds me that life is temporary and should only be enjoyed. When I feel dirty because of a lack of love or manipulation disguised as love, the pure love I get from small children and animals helps me feel clean and not responsible for what happened. My friend's little boy Elijah (he's three -- almost four) gives the sweetest hugs and kisses. My heart aches for my future children, but I'm in no rush. I still have plenty of work to do, and I want to make sure I am as well equipped as possible before they arrive.

Pain is strong, but love is stronger... and contagious.

They say in the bible that God is love. I believe in love.

de bon matin

I wrote a song when I was sleeping last night called, "I want to do right by you," and it was a really good one but I can't remember anything but the title. I write a lot of things when I sleep and I can never remember them when I wake up! I can remember parts of them. I sat outside on our balcony with Panther yesterday and we waited for it to rain. I would've stayed out during the rain, but it was so heavy I would've been drenched no matter where I sat. He and I are a lot alike; we're truly happiest outside. Whenever Nick steps outside to smoke, Pan runs to the door so he can go out, and he will not come in for hours. He just sits on the balcony and watches everything, lays down, stretches out, sunbathes... He LOVES it. Even indoors, he's always near a window. When we get a house and a yard, I'm going to work out some way to let him go outside. I know it's dangerous, but he isn't happy being only an indoor cat. I've taken him on walks, but it doesn't suit him. He doesn't feel safe because he's not in control, and I understand that. I want him to be able to climb trees and kill things. Loki isn't as fond of the outdoors, which is comforting because he is very cautious. If he hears a loud noise on the balcony, he bolts back inside. Pan's not very cautious at all; he's just confident. He's not afraid of much. I love Loki and he is my sweet, sweet baby, but Pan is my cat, and Loki is Nick's cat, and I think that's just wonderful. My beautiful boys, all three of them.

Nick and I had our two year anniversary yesterday, and it was not a fun day. We both did nothing but schoolwork, and he was out working on a project until 8:00 last night. I cried about how overwhelmed I am (I really am) because I have so many tests and so much schoolwork to catch up on, but I've realized that I can either give up or get going, and I'm going to get going and do my best. That's all I can do, and that's what I've been doing this whole semester. Nick and I are going to celebrate our anniversary some other day when we're not so swamped. I don't think most people want to give up, I just think they get exhausted. I was thinking about people who kill themselves, and if on the day they planned their suicide, I wonder how they would feel if their friends showed up and gave them a day of relaxation and love. I don't think that day is too much to ask for if you feel suicidal. I know my friends would do that for me, but not everyone has wonderful friends and support systems like I do. It's tricky, because in this life, it's up to you who you establish as your support system, and most people make really poor decisions over and over.

Ah well. I've got to go blow dry my hair and get dressed for school. (I'm in a towel, and I'd rather just sit here and play computer games. Life is hard.)

I sure love him.

Mommy and Loki

 

It was a long day. 

Dear Nick

Dear Nick -
You are asleep. Recently, I have been frustrated with your mood swings. I become tense and I don't know how to react. I forget so quickly what you have been through, and what you go through every single day. I read some stories from military wives whose husbands return from war and treat them horribly. I think about others still who lost their loved ones.

I am ashamed at how critical and impatient I can be with someone who returned from war to stroke my hair, kiss my forehead, and tell me every morning how beautiful I am; someone who saw and experienced things I cannot even imagine, but who dances with me foolishly and only winces if I experience pain. It is hard when I see you suffer, because I feel helpless, and I am helpless; but wherever your emotions take you, you always come back to me. You never disrespect me.

I know that I am a child in the main scheme of life. I know that I am ignorant, and that certain wisdom comes only with age. You have been in my life for two years now, and they have been the most transformative and joyful years of my life, regardless of the hardships we have already faced. All that I know for certain at this very moment is that I love and am loved by you, completely. You have set me free. I will be there, honey. I know it is hard; I don't know how hard, but I will be there. Your head aches, your back aches, your knees ache -- I will massage them and kiss them, whether it really helps or not. You have bad dreams, and if I wake up, I will hold you. You can be angry. You can be sad. You can be irritable, grumpy, numb -- whatever state you're in, it's okay. You deserve all of my patience, and I will give you nothing less, because you have given nothing less to me. 

I would love you if you were the ugliest man alive because of all of your attributes, but just to make things more unbelievable, you're gorgeous, and I get to look at your handsome face every day and know that YOU are with ME. And my love, I am with YOU.

Why should God be perfect?

I am a sleepy god.
I rest when I should be alert
the universe, you see,
is so comfortable to me
that I figure one nap couldn't hurt...

I am a lonely God
I am often misunderstood
I'm not perfect, you see
the way you want me to be
and I'm sure that you would change it if you could

Oh, weary little child, come to me, come to me.
I could really use some company.
Let's go out where the grass is green.
You can tell me about the world that you've seen.

I don't think you would judge me if you knew
the fact that I have never judged you.
I love your freckled face
and that mole that's out of place
and all the clumsy things you like to do.

I am a silly god.
I make up things because I like to laugh.
I'm sorry if it's wrong,
but I wish you'd play along
instead of getting caught up on the aftermath.

I am a gentle god.
I fail, at times, although I try my best.
I don't want to hurt you,
but being God is hard to do,
when I am silly, lonely, and I need some rest.

Oh, weary little child, come to me, come to me.
I could really use some company.
Let's go out where the grass is green.
You can tell me about the world that you've seen.

I don't think you would judge me if you knew
the fact that I have never judged you.
and When you go to bed,
I count the hairs upon your head
and I praise them, every one, before I'm through.

I have arrived

Assumptions are inevitable, I suppose. I was humbled tonight by realizing a few things that I did not/could not understand before.

I went out to dinner with my mother, and I was agitated and anxious. I had not spoken to her in a long time and hadn't seen her in over a year.

As I got in the car with Nick, I started bawling. We were going over to where she was staying and I wanted to REALLY talk to her, in ways that I never had. I had to talk to her, and I wanted her to listen. My heart finally broke enough to be open to what she had to say, and I think hers opened as well.

Tonight was the first night I have ever been able to put myself in her shoes and feel what she has felt without feeling defensive and resulting to a selfish survival mode. Tonight, I came to her with love and honesty instead of bitterness and resentment. Tonight, I cried so much that my cheeks are starting to bleed.

I have said horrible things about my mother, and I truly felt them, believed them, saw them, and meant them. I have distanced myself from her for good reasons, but the truth behind this equation is very simple.

No one in my family knew how to deal with the obstacles set before them, so we all dealt with them in the best way we could. We were not stable enough to even know ourselves; how could we have known each other? My mother loves me, my father loves me, my brother loves me, and I love them.

It has been very hard, but with the help of The Great Mystery, Goddess, God, Eanairohm, whatever that mystical, magical force is that devised this incredible world, I have arrived at the other side.

I was given Nick. He found every piece of me that was scattered and broken and patiently put me back together. He reassured me, listened to me, loved me, understood me, and never judged me. Through him, I have found myself. Through him, I have been stable enough to stop surviving and start LIVING and let go of everything.

I have been raped. I have been beaten. I have seen my loved ones die in horrible ways. I have been to four mental hospitals. I have slit my wrists, starved myself, shaved my head, and laid in bed for months at a time.

And you know what? It was all awful, but more importantly, it's all over.

And I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't come through. I am not defined by my experiences. I would venture to say that I am not defined by anything.

I just am, but for what it's worth, I am happy.

Doting mother

I just have to share some photographs of my cats. Loki is a year and a half old, and Pan is two and a half. Pan is very elegant. He is warm and sweet, but aloof most of the time. When he is loving, I have never seen an animal so loving. He gets love drunk and trips over himself and wraps his arms around my neck and snuggles my face. Typically, he gives his love in the early morning and no other time. When he is done, he's done. He loves containers of any kind; plastic bags, boxes, laundry baskets, suitcases, you name it. He jumps in them and will not get out. He loves children and is extremely laid back. (You can grab his hind-legs and he won't even budge.) He just flops over when he's picked up and he loves kisses, especially on his tummy. He is definitely a mommy's boy and shows his favoritism shamelessly.

Loki is the baby and boy does he know it! He is the cutest cat I have ever seen. He lays with his paws curled up and he smiles when he's happy. Sometimes I think he does things deliberately to be cute. He is very, very soft and very snuggly. We think he has bengal in him because he is spotted all over (even on his tummy) and he always tips his water bowl over. He is particular about who he likes and who he doesn't, and he doesn't show love to just anyone. He makes little raccoon noises and hasn't quite figured out how to meow. In the mornings, he prances up and down the hallway to hear his voice echo and he goes, "Ow. Ow. Mmrrrrrow. Ow." He gives kisses.

My beautiful Pan

My precious Loki

Loki is always so happy with his daddy

My little boys.