The past four months have been trying. I hadn't been severely depressed for nearly a year, but around the end of July my depression came back with a vengeance. What's troubling is the fact that I immediately sought help, but the help isn't helping like it used to. I've seen my psychologist and psychiatrist several times in the past few months (3 for psychiatrist, 4 for psychologist) and I'm still treading water. School is always so hard, not because of the course work, but because of everything else. I'm going to do this, though. I know I can do it, and I know that things will be easier once I'm finished with my degree. (I'm close!) I'm not sure what's happening. I've been experiencing dreadful nightmares and hallucinations -- more vivid than I've ever seen. They frighten me so much, and I know that I'm not schizophrenic or truly mad because I recognize them a hallucinations. I think they're dirty tricks that my mind is playing on me to make me feel weak, frightened, and powerless. I'm weary of reliving the same trauma so often. It's become more of an annoyance than anything. Last night, I felt like a used up tube of toothpaste. I started feeling a bit faint and dizzy and because of my past health problems, it sparked a few hours of complete misery and helplessness. I cried softly for a long time, which can sometimes be more draining than crying hard. Something about crying hard really gets rid of an ugly feeling, but crying softly over hours seems to intensify it. I feel like such a failure and I'm having the hardest time getting my footing, try as I might. I am trying. I know I am trying.
I feel so angry as I delve into what other people have done to me intentionally through manipulation. It's so hard for me to comprehend the levels of manipulation that I've experienced because I am not at all inclined to manipulate in that regard. I think my biggest manipulation is of myself. I convince myself of all sorts of things for the sole purpose of breaking my own spirit. Now, how am I ever going to get ahead if I keep doing these things to myself? Other people have mistreated me temporarily, but I prolong the agony. I take the pain they caused me and I stretch it out over years and internalize their behavior so that I can feel hateful and unwell. I don't understand why part of me feels such a need to be punished while the other part of me knows it's complete nonsense.
Part of me just feels like a pile of dust; not useful dust like fairy dust or fertilizer, just plain, dirty dust. At the slightest breeze, I scatter everywhere and then have to attempt to reassemble myself just in time for it to happen again.
I keep throwing up at school because of my anxiety and I'm SO SICK of it. Everyone keeps asking if I have a stomach bug and I can tell they're very concerned about me because I nearly threw up in class the other day. I think it's so sweet of them, and I wish it were a stomach bug. It's more like a soul bug. I feel like there is a fog around my very heart, and while I appreciate all of the gifts of my life, I'm so angry at myself for getting in my own way of enjoying it. I want to believe in something. I think it would help me, but then again, it would probably make no difference. I think I want to believe in myself. I can't have faith outside of myself until I have faith in myself. Other people have faith in me. I just can't give up, no matter how close I come to utter failure. I want to be myself. I can feel her, I know who she is, and she is magnificent... but she's just underneath all of this sadness and confusion.
I talked to my dad on the phone for 2 whole hours last night. We've never spoken for that long on the phone! He was so incredibly sweet to me. He understands completely what I'm going through because he has the exact same problems. It is such a blessing to know that my father loves me and I am so happy that he finally figured out how to express it. I love him very much and I feel nothing but happiness when I see him now.
I've got to grab on to happiness wherever I find it. Of course, Nick helps me a lot, and my wonderful friends help me. They pull me out of the depths pretty quickly. And my CATS!!!! I love them so very, very, very much!!!! My sweet, wonderful boys. Pan has been craving more kisses recently and I am happy for that. He likes it when I pick him up and smush my face into his and kiss him. He closes his eyes so happily and just goes limp. My precious Pan. He's so moody and mysterious and I love him for that... and Loki is so sweet and simple and I love him for that. Loki just purrs all the time. He's just so happy to exist, and he loves to lick my face, and I let him even though it hurts because he is so dang cute about it. He'll crawl up and lick me right on the mouth. Haha. Precious, precious babies.
Something tells me that one day, if I am fortunate enough to become a mother, much of this ego-driven unhappiness will fade. When I am around children and animals, my soul wakes up and I feel this intense illumination from my very being. When I see the truth and understanding in their eyes, it reminds me that life is temporary and should only be enjoyed. When I feel dirty because of a lack of love or manipulation disguised as love, the pure love I get from small children and animals helps me feel clean and not responsible for what happened. My friend's little boy Elijah (he's three -- almost four) gives the sweetest hugs and kisses. My heart aches for my future children, but I'm in no rush. I still have plenty of work to do, and I want to make sure I am as well equipped as possible before they arrive.
Pain is strong, but love is stronger... and contagious.
They say in the bible that God is love. I believe in love.
