I wrote a song when I was sleeping last night called, "I want to do right by you," and it was a really good one but I can't remember anything but the title. I write a lot of things when I sleep and I can never remember them when I wake up! I can remember parts of them. I sat outside on our balcony with Panther yesterday and we waited for it to rain. I would've stayed out during the rain, but it was so heavy I would've been drenched no matter where I sat. He and I are a lot alike; we're truly happiest outside. Whenever Nick steps outside to smoke, Pan runs to the door so he can go out, and he will not come in for hours. He just sits on the balcony and watches everything, lays down, stretches out, sunbathes... He LOVES it. Even indoors, he's always near a window. When we get a house and a yard, I'm going to work out some way to let him go outside. I know it's dangerous, but he isn't happy being only an indoor cat. I've taken him on walks, but it doesn't suit him. He doesn't feel safe because he's not in control, and I understand that. I want him to be able to climb trees and kill things. Loki isn't as fond of the outdoors, which is comforting because he is very cautious. If he hears a loud noise on the balcony, he bolts back inside. Pan's not very cautious at all; he's just confident. He's not afraid of much. I love Loki and he is my sweet, sweet baby, but Pan is my cat, and Loki is Nick's cat, and I think that's just wonderful. My beautiful boys, all three of them.
Nick and I had our two year anniversary yesterday, and it was not a fun day. We both did nothing but schoolwork, and he was out working on a project until 8:00 last night. I cried about how overwhelmed I am (I really am) because I have so many tests and so much schoolwork to catch up on, but I've realized that I can either give up or get going, and I'm going to get going and do my best. That's all I can do, and that's what I've been doing this whole semester. Nick and I are going to celebrate our anniversary some other day when we're not so swamped. I don't think most people want to give up, I just think they get exhausted. I was thinking about people who kill themselves, and if on the day they planned their suicide, I wonder how they would feel if their friends showed up and gave them a day of relaxation and love. I don't think that day is too much to ask for if you feel suicidal. I know my friends would do that for me, but not everyone has wonderful friends and support systems like I do. It's tricky, because in this life, it's up to you who you establish as your support system, and most people make really poor decisions over and over.
Ah well. I've got to go blow dry my hair and get dressed for school. (I'm in a towel, and I'd rather just sit here and play computer games. Life is hard.)
 |
| I sure love him. |
